I feel really lonely these days. As if I’m living in a pitch black world with no light. There’s no ray of sunshines to save me. I feel no love that makes everything around me into beautiful shades of colours. It’s like no one ever loved me, cared about me or wants to be with me. I’m lonely.
And it is at times like this, my inner self reminds how people don’t really give a damn about me. I arrived early at our weekly captain ball game and was just in time to be sorted into groups. The leader each team picked alternatively. One by one, the youths around me were standing at their respective team, leaving me all alone on the grassy field. Being the last one to get picked, i started taking my first step to my group. But, the leader of the team I was supposed to be sorted it looked at the referee and then he said he’all rather have the ball. I felt like I was lesser than a ball. I was embarrassed. Everyone would be able to see the tint of red around my face if I wasn’t that dark. That day, all I wanted to be was invincible. The desire to go home burn like fire in my heart.
I’m different. I’m dark, unlike all the other people who have flawless fair skin. I ain’t beautiful nor brave. And I never want to feel that way again. Since then, I’ll always arrive a few minutes late so that when I arrive, they have already started playing and I’ll be definitely sorted into one team by the referee.
No one can understand what it feel like unless they have been through it. You couldn’t even imagine what it felt like. Putting yourself in someone shoes doesn’t work. You have to wear it. It hurts. It really do and I never want to feel as if I was lesser than anyone or anything.
Ever since I was young, I was bullied. I still remember how I was in Standard 1 and I was assigned into a class without both my cousins who were the same year as I am (they were in the same class). I wanted to make new friends so I started copying all my classmates’ name in my little notebook from the name list that was pasted on the wall. I did that so that I could remember their names. I was busy copying until I felt someone tugging at my pinafore. I turned my head and saw, a gang of my classmate surrounding me and threatening to hit me. They thought I was planning to tell the teacher on them. I had a terrible experience of the first few years of going to school. They were always picking on me and avoiding me. Things only got worse when I was elected to be a prefect. And that’s that.
It’s just so painful. I was always pretending that I prefer being alone and that I don’t really play my phone much. It just hurt way less when you are the one choosing to be alone. Because there were anyone messages left for me, nor are there anyone who would be with me because they personally want to. It’s hard to think about God’s love in situation like this. Even now, I feel dejected no matter how many times I remind myself how God loves me. I’ll say to myself, he doesn’t love me alone. He loved all the others too. I want Him to love me. Only me. Or to love me more. Ain’t that selfish? It isn’t a question why anyone doesn’t like it. It’s because I’m the one that repel them. I’m greedy, selfish and arrogant. I ain’t feminine.
I hope I’m not living in a pitch black world. I hope it is just a dark tunnel and one day, I’ll be able to reach the end of that tunnel. I’ll be able to see the light. I just have to keep pushing myself to walk through it. To run with my all my might. I just want someone to help me. Save me. Please.