A mountain high of expectations

“Lub dub… lub dub”. I could hear the sound of my heart as it pumps oxygen-rich blood throughout my body. My heart was palpitating as the time slowly went by. The time my results will be announced came nearer and nearer. Even as I try to distract myself, I couldn’t seem to push it to the back of my mind. All the encouraging words said by friends, family members and acquaintance fell on deaf ears. Their words did nothing but fueled my nervousness.

Their expectations are so high you could hardly see the peak of that mountain and I was like a young girl standing at the foot of that mountain, wondering whether I could ever reach the top. All I could do now was hope for the best and always maintain a poker face. I carry the hope of my parents, my teachers, my grandparents and all those people who taught I could succeed easily. “I’m very sure you will do very well in your exams. It is expected from you.” I listened, nodded and smiled. They would never know what is beneath that calm facade I always kept. Never would they know the struggles I have been through to reach there.

I was broken, stitched back in one piece and was slowly but definitely healing. It was a tough period of time and I couldn’t remember ever going through the night without crying, sometimes silently and other times to my dad. I remember punishing myself for the lack of discipline and self-control. Waves of depression never cease to hit me. I could still feel it-the feeling of being choked due to the lack of air. I had panic attacks and had to breath through a plastic big. My mother was very worried and sometimes cried.

I wouldn’t still be here if it weren’t for them. It was all those little things that count. The midnight snacks made by my dad. The love of my mother and siblings. They never told this to anyone because they knew it would break me. All that was left behind now is the scars that would always stay as a reminder of what I have been through. I have never thank them for everything that they did for me. I just want them to know that I, would always love them and I thank Him for putting me in this family.

I wouldn’t want to disappoint them. I couldn’t carry that burden. I’m scared. I’m nervous and I even tried to run away from my fears but my dad always says,”It’s okay to be scared. It’s normal. But you just have to face it. That’s what life is all about. Facing your fears and conquering them. Don’t ever let them conquer you.” So, tomorrow, I’ll face my fears. I’ll climb that mountain for no mountain is ever too high if He is with me.


Author: smallbitsofhappiness

Just a small little girl trying to get through life in this big big world.

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