I couldn’t stop. Couldn’t do the things that I promise I would do. Maybe it was partly because I didn’t want to stop. But it was drawing me away from you and I know how much it hurts you. Your forgiveness is in vain. My words should not be taken seriously. I’m sorry I’m weak. I don’t deserve your love and your mercy. Your grace is not meant for someone like me. Thousands of times, I come back to you. Bowing down in your presence, to tell you I would repent. That I would stop. But it had never work. The longest it last is a few months. Then it would come back. Haunting me day and day. Making me feel guilty for I’m not clean. I’m not pure.
“She is innocent.”
“Don’t dye her black”
“Staining her with your dirty fluids and thoughts”
“You should see her in her original form”
“Right now you are seeing her innocent side”
Those words struck me. Because it is true. Time and time again, I try to remind my friends that I’m not a kid. I’m not innocent nor am I naive. No one would believe me. And I told one of the demon inside me. One day, I’ll know it will eat me and take away everything I once had and I wouldn’t be able to stop it. So kill me now. Keep me away from doing the things that I know would hurt you. Then, everything would have stop.