The day I died 

I couldn’t remember what happened. The events that occurred was blurry as if a cloud of mist has covered the truth, not wanting me to ever find out what it means. We were in the shopping mall, strolling around the line of shops. Not wanting to buy anything, just to look around to while away our evening. Something brought me away from my family. I was a few levels down. Looking up, I saw my mother started scolding both my younger siblings. I never knew why she did that. People were stopped in their tracks and making a crowd, wandering what has happened as my mother continued shouting and screaming at the top of her lungs. I called her to stop. At first, she did not hear me but after a few attempts, she did and faced me. Her face were red with anger and fury and she rebuked me saying I did not know a thing. We exchanged a few sentences but all it did was make her even more mad at me, instead. She ran down and started chasing me. My innate response was to run the other way, away from her. My body can sense the danger and caution me to take more precautions. But she ran really fast and at last we were in s clothing store, running in circles, chasing one another. It was then I saw the rage that possessed her. Nothing can stop her. It is written all over her face. She started blaming everyone in our family. Even my father isn’t spared. Next it was me. The words pierced into my heart and as she kept spouting, it drained the energy out of me. Nothing really matters now.  I feel as if what she is telling me is that I’m a dissapointment. A disgrace to the family and never wanted. “Don’t blame other people!” was what I shouted and what brought me awake. My roommate has always complain of me sleep talking, and I didn’t believe her until that day when I wake up, shouting that sentence. There wasn’t an ending to that dream but I know it. Every single cell in my body can sense it. I woke up crying that day. Because I knew what happened after that incident. I killed myself. 

Country road 

I was sitting here, with a heavy heart, in a train, on the way back to Kuala Lumpur when I felt like writing this post. Despite the overpowering smell of perfume that is coming from the seat opposite me, from a pretty Malay lady with her big round sunglasses on, and the loud chattering voices and high-pitched squealing of the couple next to me, the journey was pleasant. But my mood wasn’t. It was like the grey sky. Drizzling a little and then stopping. It was dark and cast shadows all around. But the wind that blew and caress my face while I was waiting for the train was nice instead of the scorching sun rays that used to burn my skin. The wind blew my hair. Each strand was caught in it and dances around me. 

I didn’t want to be over here. Not this route. Not this way. I want it to go to the opposite way. The one, leading me back home. Not the one that brings me closer and closer to the city. Not the world that stops in the sentral where people would be bustling around trying to get from places to places. I don’t want to squeeze myself in the LRT filled of people who has just finish their work. Their unhappy faces. The shine has gone away. And what replaces it, is only a boring poker face. I don’t like the crowd. The city in itself isn’t for me. 

Bring me back home, to the place I belong. Where the sun will shine with faces filled with joy and happiness. Even the rain is something we look forward to. Children will come out to play. Running careless through the sand. Hearing the pittering pattering sound as large droplets of water fell onto the ground. The sky isn’t scary with thunder and lightning. And even if there is, it was warm and cozy as we cuddle next to one another. Huddling together in the small area where the candle or the torchlight would cast it lights. Shadows are used for plays. We would learn to make animals with our hands and role play different scenarios. That is home. 

So please, 

Country road, take me home,

To the place, I belong,

West Virginia, Mountain Mamma,

Take me home, country road. 

To Rachel

Dear friend,

I met you when I was fourteen

I didn’t know much about you

Didn’t know you would still be here,

Until today when I’m eighteen

Didn’t know how you would be,

An integral part of my life

And nothing could replace the you in my life

 

We were oh so young

So naive and dumb

But as time moved on

We grew

Not only in size

But also in mind

And felt things

That were sometimes,

Not so nice

 

All those late night talks

Those long conversations we had

The jokes we made

Were each a precious memory

We talk about guys

From crushes to admirers

We talk about life

How unfair it was

We talk about what we are gonna be

But that always left us

As confused as we can be

 

 

Dear friend,

Though I am far away

I’ll always be there

When you’re sad

And when you’re happy

Don’t forget me

 

I also want you to know

That it kills me slowly

To see how you belittle yourself

All those words that I said

I mean it truly

It always fell on deaf ears

But don’t worry

Because I’ll be there

To remind you daily

How beautiful you are

How wonderful God has made you

And it doesn’t matter

What the world has thrown on you

You would always be the best

And you already had the best

Which is me

Together we will be

Battling the world

And its constant troubles

 

Dear friend,

I’m sorry I couldn’t be there

To wipe away your tears

And when you cried yourselves to sleep

But I ain’t worried

Because I know

That He is always with you

For He knows you better than I do

Let Him be your refuge

And you can see

How I let it go

The things that try to drag me down

Into that dark abyss

 

Dear friend,

You’ll always be with me

In prayer and in mind

But don’t you lose hope

Let that light keep shining

And don’t you ever leave me

To fight this battle

To run this race

Alone

I know it would end

And when I had run a good race

And fought a good battle

I’ll be home

Where there would be no sorrow

Just pure joy and happiness

And I would be singing

Songs of worship and praises

And I know,

You’ll be there too

 

Dear friend

Thank you

For being with me

And every single day

Before I sleep

When I close my eyes

I thank Him for putting you in my life

For you are precious to me

Like a diamond

Who is ugly when it’s raw

But once cut and polished

Is priceless

I hope that you would see

And know in your heart

That you are a diamond

And every time something happens

You fall down

And get up

For I know,

You are a strong girl.

 

 

 

 

The Demon Inside Me

I couldn’t stop. Couldn’t do the things that I promise I would do. Maybe it was partly because I didn’t want to stop. But it was drawing me away from you and I know how much it hurts you. Your forgiveness is in vain. My words should not be taken seriously. I’m sorry I’m weak. I don’t deserve your love and your mercy. Your grace is not meant for someone like me. Thousands of times, I come back to you. Bowing down in your presence, to tell you I would repent. That I would stop. But it had never work. The longest it last is a few months. Then it would come back. Haunting me day and day. Making me feel guilty for I’m not clean. I’m not pure.

“She is innocent.”

“Don’t dye her black”

“Staining her with your dirty fluids and thoughts”

——————————————————————————————————

“You should see her in her original form”

“Right now you are seeing her innocent side”

Those words struck me. Because it is true. Time and time again, I try to remind my friends that I’m not a kid. I’m not innocent nor am I naive. No one would believe me. And I told one of the demon inside me. One day, I’ll know it will eat me and take away everything I once had and I wouldn’t be able to stop it. So kill me now. Keep me away from doing the things that I know would hurt you. Then, everything would have stop.

The city

This big city

Which never sleeps

In the day, the streets bustled with life

At night, beautiful lights lighted up the world

People said,

It is a paradise for the young

Especially those in the twenties and thirties

It is a theme park for teenagers

With thrilling roller coaster rides,

It is a place where opportunities knock around each corner,

For the jobless and the youngsters

It is a place where dreams came true

 

But it isn’t home

And all that I could see

Is this big bleak city

Where colors fade

Due to the ridiculous amount of vehicles

The sun either shines too brightly

That it scorched the skin

Or way to dimly

Nothing can be seen

This big city

Don’t eat me up

Don’t cover my eyes with a thick mist

That make everything so dull

Don’t take away this hope

This smile

That I used to hold on to

That I used to wear each day

For I

Am only a kampung girl.

Never settle for the second best 

It has been a long time since I last  posted anything as I was very caught up with all the tests, assignments and presentation. I hardly had the time to just rest and loiter around doing nothing. A lot has happened. I have been through many things, gain bittersweet experiences and meet new and different people.

I used to say my future boyfriend had to be like my dad. He is rational, wise and very funny. He dislike being in crowded areas and his view on the world really change and mould me into who I am today. I am very much like him. For so many years, I have always thought, such a guy must have been wiped up from the world. Extinct. Never to be found again. Lo and behold, here he comes and at first I couldn’t see any resemblance between him and my father. He is loud, hyperactive and can talk to anyone. My dad is calm and confident. However, he doesn’t really like talking to everyone. But he can if he needs to. As the days pass and after knowing him and talking to him, he is very much like my father.

But one prominent thing I did not highlight, was that he is not a Christian. That characteristic in itself defies everything I stand for and look for in a guy. So day and night, I prayed and prayed. I prayed so that I would not be swayed and make the wrong decisions. But guess what happened after me resisting the urge to go talk to him for days, I succumb to my pleasure and texted him. I was so super duper happy, one would thought I was crazy. Crazily happy just to received a single text message from him. He once said that love makes people stupid and I used to disagree but now that I’m in that position I can finally understand. And I hate being stupid.

As I was doing my devotion today, there is this part where it says,” Although God knows a certain plan may not be good for us, if we persist and clamour for it, He may just let us have it!” You couldn’t imagine the joy I felt when I read that line. I’m like, “Yes, I really don’t mind being heart-broken all over again if it doesn’t work out.” But the story doesn’t end there, at the end of my devotion, it is written,” Never settle for the second best when God has the best in store for you. Only God’s will is best for you. ” Man, it is as if he is speaking directly to me. I broke out in a laughter and think to myself, “It is definitely gonna a long year in college. I wonder where He will take me and how it go.”

I decided to jot everything down immediately after reading the passage. I did not want to forget what had happened. And maybe in the future, I’ll look back and think to myself how self-restraint and being submissive to God’s will really is the best choice you can ever made in life.

His blood that was shed 

Today is Good Friday and I couldn’t feel the impact of what happened 2000 years ago until I spend some time alone to ponder on it. When my junior message me in the morning, I was surprised and asked why wasn’t he in school. He reminded me it is a holiday and their Christian Fellowship club was organising an event. I was ashamed at myself for thinking why we, college students do not have holidays. 

During my break, a girl approached me who was sitting alone at the corner of the table. She said she is a Christian and I told her I am one too. With a glow on her face, she started talking about Christ. Another one of her friend also went up to the girl beside me, inviting us to their Easter service. I really admired them for the things that they do. Speaking boldly about Him who had done so much for us. Despite the things that has happened these past months-the kidnapping of Pastor Koh, they still stand firm and preach all the more boldly. 

This brought me back to last Sunday, when we have our youth meetings. We were discussing about Jesus’ first miracle. The one he turned water into wine. Our teacher-advisor told us that even then, he has been thinking about his death. How hard was is for Him to know that he was born so that he could die. He could all our pains as he is 100% human. But he too is 100% God. To think he would die for someone like me not only describes how much he loves me and the grace and mercy he has for me.