To you who hurt me,
Didn’t you know
Words can cut through your heart
And leave a damage that is incomparable
To that of a sword?
Did you know
I was hurt
I was crying
I was embarrassed
Didn’t you know
The look in your eye killed every self-esteem I have
You shoot me down even when I was crumbling
All I ask is for mercy
All I want is a little help
A trace of encouragement
To pull me up
It was disappointing
For you, a leader
To lead in such a way
For now, I will never be able to see
My fingers dancing along the keys
Producing music that lit up
Maybe not your world
That little smile on your face. The one you wear every single day.
The little mask you put on. To show that you’re okay.
All the lies that you said. Always went unnoticed.
And when it gets too much. You screamed a little, asking for help.
But there isn’t anyone. That could hear your small little voice.
For they always thought, you were alright.
After asking for help
Which is only in vain, you slowly gave up.
Telling yourself it’s okay. You’ll be alright.
As tears just fall. Each and every night.
Are you sure you’re okay?
It has been a long time since I last posted anything as I was very caught up with all the tests, assignments and presentation. I hardly had the time to just rest and loiter around doing nothing. A lot has happened. I have been through many things, gain bittersweet experiences and meet new and different people.
I used to say my future boyfriend had to be like my dad. He is rational, wise and very funny. He dislike being in crowded areas and his view on the world really change and mould me into who I am today. I am very much like him. For so many years, I have always thought, such a guy must have been wiped up from the world. Extinct. Never to be found again. Lo and behold, here he comes and at first I couldn’t see any resemblance between him and my father. He is loud, hyperactive and can talk to anyone. My dad is calm and confident. However, he doesn’t really like talking to everyone. But he can if he needs to. As the days pass and after knowing him and talking to him, he is very much like my father.
But one prominent thing I did not highlight, was that he is not a Christian. That characteristic in itself defies everything I stand for and look for in a guy. So day and night, I prayed and prayed. I prayed so that I would not be swayed and make the wrong decisions. But guess what happened after me resisting the urge to go talk to him for days, I succumb to my pleasure and texted him. I was so super duper happy, one would thought I was crazy. Crazily happy just to received a single text message from him. He once said that love makes people stupid and I used to disagree but now that I’m in that position I can finally understand. And I hate being stupid.
As I was doing my devotion today, there is this part where it says,” Although God knows a certain plan may not be good for us, if we persist and clamour for it, He may just let us have it!” You couldn’t imagine the joy I felt when I read that line. I’m like, “Yes, I really don’t mind being heart-broken all over again if it doesn’t work out.” But the story doesn’t end there, at the end of my devotion, it is written,” Never settle for the second best when God has the best in store for you. Only God’s will is best for you. ” Man, it is as if he is speaking directly to me. I broke out in a laughter and think to myself, “It is definitely gonna a long year in college. I wonder where He will take me and how it go.”
I decided to jot everything down immediately after reading the passage. I did not want to forget what had happened. And maybe in the future, I’ll look back and think to myself how self-restraint and being submissive to God’s will really is the best choice you can ever made in life.
After coming back from classes, I was in a petty dilemma. Should I go for the frisbee pick-up sessions or just relax in my room after a long day of studying. I lied down on the bed and was enjoying myself with some Youtube videos while time flies away quickly. It had to made a decision as the session is going to start. I heard the pit pat of water as it falls to the ground and I thought it had rain and I do not have to choose to go or not to anymore. I looked outside the window and to my disappointment, it was only a worker watering the plants downstairs. A small part of me was happy it wasn’t raining as it had been such a long time since I went down to the field. I miss being under the sun and feeling the wind as it caress my face. I long to be down in the grassy green field where students gathered every evening.
I packed my bags with an umbrella in case it suddenly rains as it has been raining every evening this few days. After a few thoughts, I put my books and notes into it as well if I changed mind, I could always spend my time in the library. I put on my grey shoes and walked out of the door still debating whether to go or not to go. I don’t know anyone there and I’m not even good in the sport. When I passed the library, I at last decided just to go. When I reach the field, some of them were already playing and I sat there waiting for the friendly and kind committee member to ask me whether I was new. I waited and waited. Life doesn’t work that way. I’m not living in a life of a manga where people coming finding for you, where there will always be one senior who is super friendly and caring. Nope. Instead, I went up to a few girls playing at the other end of the field and ask them about it. I was glad I did it. If I didn’t, I would have been waiting there stupidly all evening and wouldn’t even get a chance to play.
One of the girls thought me how to throw a frisbee and after warming up, the game finally started. There were too many players and I offered to sit out for the first game and observed at the sidelines how the game is played. She told me it is somewhat like captain ball. After 10 to 20 minutes, it was finally action time for me. I was in the game. It did not went smoothly as I had predicted. I was the black hole of the team. Every time someone pass me the disc, it would definitely end up in the opponent’s hands. Embarrassed as I was, I continued playing all because I enjoyed running around the field. The only thing I am good at is marking people. Another girl from the opposing team complained to her friend that no one wanted to pass to her as I was always guarding her. I guess they kinda hate me for it. And, when I cut some slack and let her go, all I got was looks from my team captain. He told me I had to mark someone and always be with that person.
Besides that, every single time I caught the disc, I would get super nervous and all the things that I learned on how to throw a frisbee went out of my mind. My innate reaction was to throw it like a handball. Here comes another annoyed advice from my team member. All the time while I was playing, I was thinking to myself,”Please don’t pass it to me. Please don’t pass it to me.” Like a mantra that was played in my mind the moment we were in offense. I played for quite a long time before having a break to quench my thirst. After that, I never entered the field and only practice my throws at the side. At 8.30pm, I got up and made my way home feeling glad I would be back in my comfort zone. You know how they said there are so many good reasons to step up of your comfort zone, I have not experience any.
After being here for about 3 weeks, I finally found a place I could put down all my guard. A place where I always feel comfortable every time I am here. This place invigorate my ever tiring soul after a long period of study and being put under stress. It is somewhat like my second home.
My safe haven here in college is my campus’ library. On the first day I arrive here and was brought to tour around the area, what got me in awe was their library. Being the one of the top libraries in Asia, it definitely did not disappoint me. Ever since the first day of class, I had always wanted to enter it but I had to suppress my desire to do so as I still have not receive my student card.
The smell of books never fails to calm me after a hectic day. The orderly and neatly arranged books on the shelves gives me a sense of satisfaction that everything is where it should be. Nothing seems out of place. The fact that I become anonymous makes me feel comfortable. I could hide behind a good book or the computer without having to entertain people. I don’t feel out of place here. It is as if I belong. I belong to this world where you could travel anywhere in the world. Be in the shoes of anyone for a short period of time.
My college also allows students to borrow CDs and you can view it in an area. I have not done that yet but am going to somewhere in the future. I just haven’t got the time to do so yet.
This place will always be the place I go to when I am down or stressed out. When I want to avoid being in reality. The times where I wanna push all my troubles at the back of my head, I will always make a trip to the library. It is one of my favorite place here. The other being the green grassy field that I never got a chance to be at.
Yesterday was overall a terrible day. During the night, I forgot to close the window and my body became a feast for lots of annoying little creatures that flies around mosquitoes. In the dead of night, I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned, trying my very best to ignore the parts which was bitten and itchy. After 30 minutes, I finally drifted off back to sleep. But that was hardly the end of my story.
I was woken up by the ringing and vibrating sounds of my phone. I didn’t manage to pick up the call but one thing I did see was the time. I was already late for class by 15 minutes. My phone rang again and I hurriedly answered it, it was my friend, Tina, asking why I still wasn’t in class. We had biology lessons together at 8.30 am. I ran around as fast as I could, dressed and ran straight out of the door. I brisk walked to my campus, all the while with adrenaline pumping through my blood stream. Along the way, I was having an internal dilemma whether to attend class or not to. Finally, I decided to just enter the class. But, there is still another problem unsolved. When I arrived at the building, I couldn’t find the classroom. I walked everyone, tried every door, checked my timetable multiple times, but I still couldn’t find my classroom. In the end, I had to call Tina and she was the one to guide me into the room. I couldn’t concentrate on the class at all. I was nervous and embarrassed. The teacher told me to see her after the class ends and I did. I did not give much excuse and told her just to mark me as absent as it was my own fault. She advised me not to do it again, especially during exams and assessments. I gave her a bad impression of myself as it was only the second time I entered her class.
Then, when I was in Chemistry class ( second period), I thought I lose my phone. I panicked and could feel my heart thumping extra loudly. I tried to recall where I put it and thought to myself, please let it be safe. After checking my bags and the tables, I still couldn’t find it and assumed that I left it at the previous class. So, I asked my desk mate whether did she see me bringing my phone into the class. Unfortunately, she said she didn’t notice. After a few minutes, I finally found it! It was in my denim jacket pocket, which I was wearing all the while.
My first day of class was on a Thursday. We had orientation for 3 days-Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Being used to the usual government school system, I thought it was Monday and while I was packing my bag, I packed based on the Monday timetable. I count myself lucky that my house mate reminds me that tomorrow was a Thursday and not a Monday. If she hadn’t done so, I would be waiting aimlessly in class for 3 hours.
I took the March intake for AUSMAT and the 5 subjects i registered for are English as an Additional Language (ELD), Mathematics Method (MAM), Biology, Chemistry and Accounting and Finance (ACF). On Thursday, my timetable starts at 10.30 a.m. I have to attend classes till 4.15pm. It starts with MAM, followed by Biology and ACF and ends with Chemistry. My campus is a very huge area and I was afraid I would get lost trying to find the classes so I did my preparations the night before. I downloaded the college app that has a map and slept early so I could wake up early.
Luckily, I could find the classes and was on time as punctuality is very important in AUSMAT. If you were late more than 5 minutes, the professors and lecturers would mark your attendance as absent and if you miss three classes, your parents would be called to school. My brain was forced to speed up its gears when I was attending MAM as the first topic was an Addmaths topic and I couldn’t remember any of the formulas. Even though it was only the first day of class, my lecturer gave us a ton of homework to be completed and discussed during classes tomorrow. Then, I had a 45 minutes break. Each of the classes are and hour and 15 minutes long but the lecturer will let you out 10 minutes earlier for you to go to your other classes.
Our Biology teacher only talk about the subject outline and examination structure for 30 minutes and she let us out early. Even so, I was mentally exhausted. I took an accelerated course which is only 8 months long compared to the normal one which is 11 months long. A longer break after your SPM means you would have kick your engine to full throttle for the next 8 months. We had a test next week and every month, we have an exam. There is so many topics to covered in such a short amount of time.
I really enjoyed my Accounting class and during Chemistry, we each were given a chance to ask our lecturer a question. I asked her whether she had always wanted to be a teacher and her answer was no. A teacher usually doesn’t really dream to be a teacher, but when they entered the field, they love their job, or so they so.
Classes ended early as most of the lecturer only gave a short briefing on what to expect. We also had icebreaker. I really enjoyed my classes as I dislike attending orientation and playing all the games they want us to play.