I couldn’t stop. Couldn’t do the things that I promise I would do. Maybe it was partly because I didn’t want to stop. But it was drawing me away from you and I know how much it hurts you. Your forgiveness is in vain. My words should not be taken seriously. I’m sorry I’m weak. I don’t deserve your love and your mercy. Your grace is not meant for someone like me. Thousands of times, I come back to you. Bowing down in your presence, to tell you I would repent. That I would stop. But it had never work. The longest it last is a few months. Then it would come back. Haunting me day and day. Making me feel guilty for I’m not clean. I’m not pure.
“She is innocent.”
“Don’t dye her black”
“Staining her with your dirty fluids and thoughts”
“You should see her in her original form”
“Right now you are seeing her innocent side”
Those words struck me. Because it is true. Time and time again, I try to remind my friends that I’m not a kid. I’m not innocent nor am I naive. No one would believe me. And I told one of the demon inside me. One day, I’ll know it will eat me and take away everything I once had and I wouldn’t be able to stop it. So kill me now. Keep me away from doing the things that I know would hurt you. Then, everything would have stop.
This big city
Which never sleeps
In the day, the streets bustled with life
At night, beautiful lights lighted up the world
It is a paradise for the young
Especially those in the twenties and thirties
It is a theme park for teenagers
With thrilling roller coaster rides,
It is a place where opportunities knock around each corner,
For the jobless and the youngsters
It is a place where dreams came true
But it isn’t home
And all that I could see
Is this big bleak city
Where colors fade
Due to the ridiculous amount of vehicles
The sun either shines too brightly
That it scorched the skin
Or way to dimly
Nothing can be seen
This big city
Don’t eat me up
Don’t cover my eyes with a thick mist
That make everything so dull
Don’t take away this hope
That I used to hold on to
That I used to wear each day
Am only a kampung girl.
It has been a long time since I last posted anything as I was very caught up with all the tests, assignments and presentation. I hardly had the time to just rest and loiter around doing nothing. A lot has happened. I have been through many things, gain bittersweet experiences and meet new and different people.
I used to say my future boyfriend had to be like my dad. He is rational, wise and very funny. He dislike being in crowded areas and his view on the world really change and mould me into who I am today. I am very much like him. For so many years, I have always thought, such a guy must have been wiped up from the world. Extinct. Never to be found again. Lo and behold, here he comes and at first I couldn’t see any resemblance between him and my father. He is loud, hyperactive and can talk to anyone. My dad is calm and confident. However, he doesn’t really like talking to everyone. But he can if he needs to. As the days pass and after knowing him and talking to him, he is very much like my father.
But one prominent thing I did not highlight, was that he is not a Christian. That characteristic in itself defies everything I stand for and look for in a guy. So day and night, I prayed and prayed. I prayed so that I would not be swayed and make the wrong decisions. But guess what happened after me resisting the urge to go talk to him for days, I succumb to my pleasure and texted him. I was so super duper happy, one would thought I was crazy. Crazily happy just to received a single text message from him. He once said that love makes people stupid and I used to disagree but now that I’m in that position I can finally understand. And I hate being stupid.
As I was doing my devotion today, there is this part where it says,” Although God knows a certain plan may not be good for us, if we persist and clamour for it, He may just let us have it!” You couldn’t imagine the joy I felt when I read that line. I’m like, “Yes, I really don’t mind being heart-broken all over again if it doesn’t work out.” But the story doesn’t end there, at the end of my devotion, it is written,” Never settle for the second best when God has the best in store for you. Only God’s will is best for you. ” Man, it is as if he is speaking directly to me. I broke out in a laughter and think to myself, “It is definitely gonna a long year in college. I wonder where He will take me and how it go.”
I decided to jot everything down immediately after reading the passage. I did not want to forget what had happened. And maybe in the future, I’ll look back and think to myself how self-restraint and being submissive to God’s will really is the best choice you can ever made in life.
Today is Good Friday and I couldn’t feel the impact of what happened 2000 years ago until I spend some time alone to ponder on it. When my junior message me in the morning, I was surprised and asked why wasn’t he in school. He reminded me it is a holiday and their Christian Fellowship club was organising an event. I was ashamed at myself for thinking why we, college students do not have holidays.
During my break, a girl approached me who was sitting alone at the corner of the table. She said she is a Christian and I told her I am one too. With a glow on her face, she started talking about Christ. Another one of her friend also went up to the girl beside me, inviting us to their Easter service. I really admired them for the things that they do. Speaking boldly about Him who had done so much for us. Despite the things that has happened these past months-the kidnapping of Pastor Koh, they still stand firm and preach all the more boldly.
This brought me back to last Sunday, when we have our youth meetings. We were discussing about Jesus’ first miracle. The one he turned water into wine. Our teacher-advisor told us that even then, he has been thinking about his death. How hard was is for Him to know that he was born so that he could die. He could all our pains as he is 100% human. But he too is 100% God. To think he would die for someone like me not only describes how much he loves me and the grace and mercy he has for me.
After coming back from classes, I was in a petty dilemma. Should I go for the frisbee pick-up sessions or just relax in my room after a long day of studying. I lied down on the bed and was enjoying myself with some Youtube videos while time flies away quickly. It had to made a decision as the session is going to start. I heard the pit pat of water as it falls to the ground and I thought it had rain and I do not have to choose to go or not to anymore. I looked outside the window and to my disappointment, it was only a worker watering the plants downstairs. A small part of me was happy it wasn’t raining as it had been such a long time since I went down to the field. I miss being under the sun and feeling the wind as it caress my face. I long to be down in the grassy green field where students gathered every evening.
I packed my bags with an umbrella in case it suddenly rains as it has been raining every evening this few days. After a few thoughts, I put my books and notes into it as well if I changed mind, I could always spend my time in the library. I put on my grey shoes and walked out of the door still debating whether to go or not to go. I don’t know anyone there and I’m not even good in the sport. When I passed the library, I at last decided just to go. When I reach the field, some of them were already playing and I sat there waiting for the friendly and kind committee member to ask me whether I was new. I waited and waited. Life doesn’t work that way. I’m not living in a life of a manga where people coming finding for you, where there will always be one senior who is super friendly and caring. Nope. Instead, I went up to a few girls playing at the other end of the field and ask them about it. I was glad I did it. If I didn’t, I would have been waiting there stupidly all evening and wouldn’t even get a chance to play.
One of the girls thought me how to throw a frisbee and after warming up, the game finally started. There were too many players and I offered to sit out for the first game and observed at the sidelines how the game is played. She told me it is somewhat like captain ball. After 10 to 20 minutes, it was finally action time for me. I was in the game. It did not went smoothly as I had predicted. I was the black hole of the team. Every time someone pass me the disc, it would definitely end up in the opponent’s hands. Embarrassed as I was, I continued playing all because I enjoyed running around the field. The only thing I am good at is marking people. Another girl from the opposing team complained to her friend that no one wanted to pass to her as I was always guarding her. I guess they kinda hate me for it. And, when I cut some slack and let her go, all I got was looks from my team captain. He told me I had to mark someone and always be with that person.
Besides that, every single time I caught the disc, I would get super nervous and all the things that I learned on how to throw a frisbee went out of my mind. My innate reaction was to throw it like a handball. Here comes another annoyed advice from my team member. All the time while I was playing, I was thinking to myself,”Please don’t pass it to me. Please don’t pass it to me.” Like a mantra that was played in my mind the moment we were in offense. I played for quite a long time before having a break to quench my thirst. After that, I never entered the field and only practice my throws at the side. At 8.30pm, I got up and made my way home feeling glad I would be back in my comfort zone. You know how they said there are so many good reasons to step up of your comfort zone, I have not experience any.
After being here for about 3 weeks, I finally found a place I could put down all my guard. A place where I always feel comfortable every time I am here. This place invigorate my ever tiring soul after a long period of study and being put under stress. It is somewhat like my second home.
My safe haven here in college is my campus’ library. On the first day I arrive here and was brought to tour around the area, what got me in awe was their library. Being the one of the top libraries in Asia, it definitely did not disappoint me. Ever since the first day of class, I had always wanted to enter it but I had to suppress my desire to do so as I still have not receive my student card.
The smell of books never fails to calm me after a hectic day. The orderly and neatly arranged books on the shelves gives me a sense of satisfaction that everything is where it should be. Nothing seems out of place. The fact that I become anonymous makes me feel comfortable. I could hide behind a good book or the computer without having to entertain people. I don’t feel out of place here. It is as if I belong. I belong to this world where you could travel anywhere in the world. Be in the shoes of anyone for a short period of time.
My college also allows students to borrow CDs and you can view it in an area. I have not done that yet but am going to somewhere in the future. I just haven’t got the time to do so yet.
This place will always be the place I go to when I am down or stressed out. When I want to avoid being in reality. The times where I wanna push all my troubles at the back of my head, I will always make a trip to the library. It is one of my favorite place here. The other being the green grassy field that I never got a chance to be at.
The clinking and clanking sounds the pots made as I was shuffling through the rack and washing my dirty dishes, filled the quiet air as all my other dorm mates were lounging in the our small living room. I was hungry because I decided to skip dinner that day but I couldn’t stand the feeling of an empty stomach. So, I opened the door to my fridge, which was filled to the brim with raw food and leftovers. Every nook and cranny were filled with something as we make the most of the fridge by arranging our things in an orderly arrangement.
The first thing I saw was the fruits my parents brought down a week ago, sitting quietly there, waiting to be eaten before it gradually becomes rotten. I took out a mango and start removing its skin by the bin. When I had finished cutting the mango and devour the bits of flesh around its seed, I was planning on offering some of it to my dorm mates, but I didn’t. It was all because I remembered I accidentally dropped the whole mango, without its protective layer of skin on the floor. In the end, I stand there, facing the basin, eating my mango all by myself.
My first bite was filed with the sweetness and juiciness of the mango. I have always love eating mangoes. It is one of my favourite fruit but as I was eating my third slice, it somehow, doesn’t taste as sweet anymore. I reminisce the times where I was eating mangoes with my family after dinner as dessert. All of us would gather round the table, with glinting eyes while our parents would be the ones cutting it. We had to be quick on our hands and mouth so that we could eat till we are satisfied as everyone would be snatching away. My brother was always the one being teased as he could eat anything in one mouth. After dinner, he would always help himself to supper and dessert. My ‘kakak’, a term we use to call our live-in maid, would always try her very best to stop him from eating as she told us, she eat non-stop and there would always be dishes to wash at any time of the day.
I really miss the times our family had our dinner together. We made it a tradition to eat together at the round table every night. That is probably the reason why we always had a late dinner, sometimes as late as 9pm. Nowadays, I usually eat alone, either in my room or at the living room.