I’m Not Okay?

The past few weeks have been a roller coaster ride for me. Sometimes I’m okay. Other times, there is this wave of sadness that comes crashing down on me. Always putting on a fake smile in front of the world. But, I’m so used to it that I don’t even know whether I’m really happy or just ignoring the reality of things. Telling the world that I’m okay. On the rare days I felt like talking, there isn’t anyone there. No one I could call, no one I could trust. Maybe it is just me. Closing myself up to the world. Comforting my friends and helping them get through whatever they are going through is just my way of feeling better. The times I cried silently for help, has always been ignored or maybe they were to subtle that nobody ever realised that I’m not okay.

 

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Rejoice

Rejoicing is to feel or to show great joy and delight. Everyone does rejoice, especially when the times are good or when we managed to achieve something. But, more often than not, people do not learn how to rejoice when something bad happens, or even, when nothing happens. When everything is as usual, when everything is normal, we often neglect how wonderful our life is. The 14th general election in Malaysia is coming very soon, tomorrow. Many people want change, they want a better leader, a better future and a better life. We all complains of the high living expenses, the corruption that has always been happening, be it among the higher-ups or among the underlings and people you meet on a day-to-day basis. The adults will grumble and moan when our currency drops while all the little ones, those still in school, criticize the government when school syllabus and teaching methods are changed.

I feel that sometimes, we always have to make some time to sit back and reflect on how well our lives have been. We have to learn to rejoice in even the smallest of things. We have to make it a habit to praise God for all he has given us. I, as a Malaysian can proudly say that I have live a good life here in Malaysia. I have never gone hungry and starve, we always have clean water and electricity, there isn’t any war going on that destroy not only lives but also buildings and plants, that tore family apart. Our ground is fruitful. Whatever we throw on the ground, the rain that falls from the sky will nurture and they will start to grow. We have many resources though we may not use the profit well. The people are diverse and still able to live peacefully with one another. We have lots of holidays, many different cultures and a huge variety of good food. Our country is beautiful and I’m starting to learn how to rejoice even now, when the times are not that good. Whatever the results tomorrow, let us learn how to rejoice and to be thankful for all that we have. May God continue to bless the people of Malaysia and to always be dwelling among us.

A Quiet Place

I was given the chance to attend the premier of the movie “A Quiet Place” for free as my friend had free tickets. At first, I was a bit reluctant to go as it is classified as a thriller horror show and I don’t do those two categories well. However, after endless persuasion, I finally decided to go and brought three other friends along. The show was amazing. It is as if you are soaked in the movie and standing at a corner watching all of it happens in front of your eyes. The suspense was killing me and I couldn’t even shout aloud as the whole cinema was, just as its name says, a quiet place. All I could do was shout internally and sing some songs during scenes that I couldn’t watch. After the show, I couldn’t leave the hall immediately and had to sit down and gather my breath and regulate my heart beat.

It has been 5 weeks since I have been in university and everything is okay. I’m getting along fine compared to in college. I can mix around with people and learn how to express myself not suppress myself. I spend loads of time with my friends and getting to know them. Everyday pass by quickly due to the number of pages we have to read, the amount of preparation we have to do for our group discussion and presentation. Most of the nights, I couldn’t sleep early and only fall into bed at 4 or 5a.m. but all in all, I feel happy and comfortable.

After a fully packed day yesterday and only sleeping 3 hours before going to church, I immediately knock off when I reach home in the afternoon, not even minding my empty stomach. Sadly, I was woken up due to a nightmare after only 2 hours of sleep. My dream started out with me walking back from a mall after shopping. Along the way, I saw my parents and we got together. However, I felt something constantly following and staring at me. I know what was gonna happen and did not want to walk back to my hostel alone. I told my parents my suspicions but they just brush it off. In desperation, I reminded my mother the incident that happen last time which ends up me waking up in a hospital bed. Finally, they believe me. The scene then suddenly change to a resort where there is a pool with a red water slide. My friends and I took turns going on the slide. They wanted to go back home but I asked them not to leave me as I was afraid and did not know who to call. Then, it changed to another scene where I was at an aunty’s house. The 3 assassins managed to catch up with me. Luckily, I was agile and filled with energy and avoided the attacks of two of the man but when the woman tried to assault me, I woke up. I’m sure in the dream I have died. We were jumping from roofs to roofs and climbing walls and my hands were sweating profusely, even now when I’m typing. I woke up in a start and was very dismayed. I wanted to talk to someone so, I called my mother. After talking to her, I felt better.

Today, I decided not to join my friends to study. The last few weeks have been hectic and I realized I did not have much me time. Today, I grab some lunch/dinner then I walked out of my room, in search of a quiet place where I can be myself, reflect on what has happen the past week and reassess my relationship with God that I neglected. Today, I found this place, far away from many people, on the rooftop staring at the buildings that stand tall around me and the lights that are always shining in the darkness of night. I enjoy the company of my friends but sometimes, you just have to get out of everything and just enjoy yourself. Appreciate who you are and remember that it is God who is the most important being in your life.

The Beats of My Heart

The world is loud. The sounds around us and the voices of people always drown the soft stilled voice of the birds that are singing, the sound of the wind blowing as if it is trying to tell us something and the swishing noise a tree makes in response to the wind blowing. Another sound we often overlooked though it is so important is the sound of our heart beating. The pulses they make. Dup dup dup. Stealthily and constantly to show that we’re alive.

I was asked to feel my pulse and count it for a minute to check whether I’m healthy or not. It has been a long time since I have done that. It brought me back into the past when I was still in secondary school. Twice a year, we have our PE test and are required to count our pulse after walking up and down the steps for 3 minutes. You can either feel it on your neck or your hand. I’m more familiar and feels more comfortable doing it on my hand. Two fingers were placed on the blood vessels and a little pressure was placed so that I can feel the pumping of blood through my arteries/veins. I never realised how calming and reassuring the sound is until that day. After a long day of endless studying, it was nice to feel something so subtle yet significant. You have been good, heart. Thank you for always beating through times of hardship and joy.

A New Chapter

Hi! It’s been a long time since I last posted anything. I was so caught up with settling down in this new place, trying to cope with the insane amount of workload and trying my best to work out my schedule so that I have a balance life. Most of the stuff I write are when I was feeling really down. Like I was stuck in this small little black hole, thousands of feet under the group with not even a single ray of light. No sound, no colours, nothing. Everything was bleak. I hold on, I just keep going and now, I’m quiet happy with where I am. I don’t feel that sad so often. I do feel down sometimes, but I isn’t that frequent. I’m really thankful to have this platform so that I can pour out my feelings through the words that I type. It is sometimes hard to describe how I’m feeling but along the way, I slowly learn how to put words into feelings. How to convey my thoughts and what is in my heart. It takes time.

University life is okay. After what happens in college, I never expect anything. My expectations were so low that everything bad that happens was alright. I wasn’t that rash. I guess college really did crush me. I’m more afraid to step out. To go meet people. To stray to far from my comfort zone. I’m still fighting to slowly get up. Like the otters and penguins that used their tail to pat the ice to make sure that it is safe to walk through. I’m gradually starting over a new chapter in my life. I hope everything will be okay. I meet new people, I talk to them, I joined them for lunch or to hangout but I never felt that strong connection with anyone except my parents and siblings. I’m scared. However, I’ll continue trying and praying.

Doing my degree is a bit stressful. Everyone is smart here. Most of the time they spend, they studied. The first week was a bit overwhelming. I’m not used to that amount of workload. I felt peer-pressured to studied. I had urticaria most of the days. It was really uncomfortable. I cried but now that it has been the third week, I think it got a bit numb. I’m getting through everything fine. The stuff we learned are really interesting. Everything has been okay. It is good.

Today is Easter, we had an amazing celebration in church. Church is always fun and I always enjoyed it. Sunday is one of the days that I look forward too. Everyone reflected on what Easter Sunday meant to us. I’m just really thankful that Jesus has risen. That he does not have to feel any more pain or bear our sins. He conquered death. Defeated the devil. And now, He is seated on the right hand of God. Without Him, where would I be?

Dreaded Feelings

Being held in her warm embrace. I snuggled close in between her bosom. Thinking about going back in the city to further my studies, was something I dread everyday. But time won’t stop, nor would it slow down. Instead, it went past faster and faster. Every tick of the clock, the sound of the old wooden clock as it sing a tune to tell the time felt as if it is on fast-forward. I don’t want to go. I want to stay. To be with my family. To play board games with my siblings. To watch movies together while each one of us occupy the seats in our living room. To have sleepover in my room that all of you were so afraid of. You guys said you were afraid of the mirror facing opposite my bed. The reflection in the darkness of night brought fear into your hearts. The wooden closet filled now sparsely with my clothing, that looked so similar to the one in the horror movie, The Conjouring did little to help. Neither does the secret door which leads the way into our play room, which is filled with soft toys and dolls. Dolls that are 4 feet long and look a bit like Annabelle. I don’t want to leave. I want to stay. Eating the mouth-watering food that mom always cooked no matter how busy she was. Enjoying the fruits that you cut with the extremely sharp knife that you bought on your trip to Japan. “Stop, time.””Please stop.”

To You

To you who hurt me,

Didn’t you know

Words can cut through your heart

And leave a damage that is incomparable

To that of a sword?

Did you know

I was hurt

I was crying

I was embarrassed

Didn’t you know

The look in your eye killed every self-esteem I have

You shoot me down even when I was crumbling

All I ask is for mercy

All I want is a little help

A trace of encouragement

To pull me up

It was disappointing

For you, a leader

To lead in such a way

For now, I will never be able to see

My fingers dancing along the keys

Producing music that lit up

Maybe not your world

But mine.